I have had the strangest feeling ever since Gabriel was born that I don't think will ever fully evaporate from my conscience: no matter how hard I try I feel like I can not love him enough. Every day my love grows for him, but he is such a blessing to Andy and me that I feel like I can never love him enough. It's like I have this elusive pit I need to fill up but can't. It's not at all that I feel inadequate, in fact I don't even consider this to be a negative feeling. I guess I just never knew the overwhelming love a child draws from somewhere very deep in your heart.
This makes me realize just how special Gabriel is; how special all children are. I am constantly amazed that God chose me to me Gabriel's mother. Sometimes I just stand by his crib and watch him sleep, and sometimes I weep. I find myself wanting to just scoop him up and love on him. Certainly I do not deserve this life's blessing.
This feeling has never been so strong as it was this past week. I have debated about posting this, but now feel like expressing my gratefulness to the Lord for all he does for us. Last Friday we unexpectedly were called into the doctor's office and told that Gabriel may have cystic fibrosis (a life threatening genetic disorder that affects the respiratory system and GI absorption). We were devastated that something could be wrong with our sweet Gabriel. The doctor ordered some tests, which were performed this week, to either diagnose or rule out cystic fibrosis (CF). My dad told me when I first was pregnant that having children will keep you on your knees...he was totally right. We have been coming to the Lord in fervent prayer.
This makes me realize just how special Gabriel is; how special all children are. I am constantly amazed that God chose me to me Gabriel's mother. Sometimes I just stand by his crib and watch him sleep, and sometimes I weep. I find myself wanting to just scoop him up and love on him. Certainly I do not deserve this life's blessing.
This feeling has never been so strong as it was this past week. I have debated about posting this, but now feel like expressing my gratefulness to the Lord for all he does for us. Last Friday we unexpectedly were called into the doctor's office and told that Gabriel may have cystic fibrosis (a life threatening genetic disorder that affects the respiratory system and GI absorption). We were devastated that something could be wrong with our sweet Gabriel. The doctor ordered some tests, which were performed this week, to either diagnose or rule out cystic fibrosis (CF). My dad told me when I first was pregnant that having children will keep you on your knees...he was totally right. We have been coming to the Lord in fervent prayer.
Hallelujah, we received the test results yesterday morning and the CF test was NEGATIVE. Praise the Lord!! I feel like I have never taken one day for granted since Gabriel was born, but even more so now I realize how every day is a gift from God. I literally wake up every morning and thank Him for giving me one more day with Gabriel.
I know my love will continue to grow for Gabriel, and maybe I will never feel like I've completely filled that "pit"...perhaps only God can love us that way...but I know that, at least in an Earthly capacity, Gabriel will be loved and cherished increasingly and unconditionally.
I know my love will continue to grow for Gabriel, and maybe I will never feel like I've completely filled that "pit"...perhaps only God can love us that way...but I know that, at least in an Earthly capacity, Gabriel will be loved and cherished increasingly and unconditionally.
5 comments:
Oh my goodness Ash, I am almost in tears reading this. Praise Jesus that little Gabriel does not have CF. I love reading your blog and seeing how much you love motherhood.
Praise God for Gabriel and that his tests came back negative. I feel the same way about being a Mom and count every single day as a true blessing from God. Praise God! HE IS GOOD!! Anna Owens
Thanking God that Gabriel is healthy! What wonderful news! God truely is good! It is amazing how much we love our children and that God loves us and them even more! Praise God for Gabriel's health. Thank you for sharing so that we can rejoice in your news and thank God too!
Oh Ashley, I can only imagine what you and Andy went through while waiting on those test results. Praise God that you received good news! It truly is amazing how much you love your child. And when #2 comes along, it's amazing that you can love him/her just as much...and so on! :) God is awesome!
I am so glad to hear that Gabriel is healthy. It brings back memories of when I delivered Tillman, and he was blue and not breathing. The team of nurses/doctors worked on him (for what seemed like forever), and then when he started breathing again, rushed him up to the NICU. I donb't think you ever stop worrying and praying for your child(ren). But how comforting to know He is there to answer our prayers.
Post a Comment